The Goal of Ramadan and the Link to Parents

Alhamdulillah, my dear respected brothers, we are moving swiftly through the blessed month of Ramadan. We thank Allah SWT for granting us this opportunity, and we pray that we finish this blessed month stronger than we started it.

Last week we touched upon the topic of how our goal in this blessed month is to become close to Allah SWT, to build and strengthen our connection with Almighty Allah SWT, and specifically the link between that goal and being dutiful, kind, and caring towards our parents.

The Hadith of the Three Ameens

Rasul ﷺ once ascended the pulpit, and on each of the three steps he said Ameen. The Sahabah noticed this was unusual and asked him about it. He explained that Jibreel (alayhis salam) had come to him and made a supplication on each step, telling him to say Ameen, and he did so.

Hadith: Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 644

Jabir ibn 'Abdullah reported that the Prophet ﷺ went up the minbar. When he reached the first step, he said, "Ameen." When he ascended to the second step, he said, "Ameen," and when he stepped onto the third step, he said, "Ameen." They said, "Messenger of Allah, we heard you say 'Ameen' three times." He said, "When I went up the first step, Jibril (alayhis salam) came to me and said:

شَقِيَ عَبْدٌ أَدْرَكَ رَمَضَانَ، فَانْسَلَخَ مِنْهُ وَلَمْ يُغْفَرْ لَهُ

'Wretched is the slave to whom Ramadan comes and when it passes from him is not forgiven.' I said, 'Ameen.'

شَقِيَ عَبْدٌ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيْهِ أَوْ أَحَدَهُمَا فَلَمْ يُدْخِلاَهُ الْجَنَّةَ

'Wretched is the slave who has one or both of his parents alive and they do not let him enter the Garden.' I said, 'Ameen.'

شَقِيَ عَبْدٌ ذُكِرْتَ عِنْدَهُ وَلَمْ يُصَلِّ عَلَيْكَ

'Wretched is a slave who does not bless you when you are mentioned in his presence.' I said, 'Ameen.'"

The first supplication is a warning of destruction for the person who witnesses the blessed month of Ramadan yet fails to earn forgiveness. A golden opportunity came and he let it slip away, either because he never truly worked towards forgiveness, or because other things got in the way and prevented him from earning the mercy of Allah SWT.

The second is a warning for the person whose parents are alive, who has them right there in front of him, and yet he fails to attain Jannah through serving them. He had the perfect opportunity to look after them, to give them his time and his care, and had he done so it would have been a means of entering Jannah. But he let that opportunity pass.

The third is a warning for the person who hears the name of Rasul ﷺ mentioned and does not send salutations upon him.

The Connection: Ibadah Alone Is Not Enough

So the connection is this: in this blessed month of Ramadan, we are trying our utmost best to become close to Allah SWT. We fast through the day, we stand through the night in Qiyam, we recite the Quran, and we fill our time with all kinds of good deeds, Alhamdulillah.

But on the side, if our parents are unhappy with us, then we will not reach Allah SWT the way we are planning to reach Him. Their unhappiness becomes a barrier. No matter how much ibadah we are doing, if our parents are not pleased with us, that connection to Allah SWT will be blocked.

The focus right now is specifically on parents, and the link between their happiness and our worship.

Allah's Happiness Lies in the Happiness of the Parents

This brings us to the core link between our worship and our parents. We know from the hadith of Rasul ﷺ that pleasing our parents and pleasing Allah SWT are directly connected:

Hadith: Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1899; also Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 2

'Abdullah ibn 'Amr (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet ﷺ said:

رِضَا الرَّبِّ فِي رِضَا الْوَالِدِ، وَسَخَطُ الرَّبِّ فِي سَخَطِ الْوَالِدِ

"The pleasure of the Lord lies in the pleasure of the parent, and the anger of the Lord lies in the anger of the parent."

The principle is straightforward. If the parents are happy with us, then insha'Allah the happiness of Allah SWT will be with us. And if the parents are unhappy, then the displeasure of Allah SWT follows. So in this blessed month where we are striving so hard, we must ask ourselves honestly: are our parents happy with us?

Reflect on Your Connection with Your Parents

This month of Ramadan is an opportunity to take some time and reflect: what is my connection with my parents?

For the younger ones, the interaction with parents is constant, every day, every moment of their lives. But as we age, our interactions become less and less frequent. Those who have moved out of their family homes may speak to their parents daily, or a couple of times a day over a phone call, or for some only weekly. It depends on everyone's circumstances.

When we are younger and living at home, even if something goes wrong, it is easier to move past it because we will see each other again soon. It is easier to smooth things over. But when we are more distant, the interactions become less frequent, and sometimes it gets harder to iron things out.

Be There for Them: Just Listen

So we try our utmost best to help our parents when they reach old age, as we discussed last week. Sometimes they just want to talk to somebody. Let us be there for them, just to talk to them, just to listen. They may sometimes repeat the same story or the same point, but let us give them our ear. It will make them happy. They will say, "You know, my son came, he listened to me, I had the opportunity to speak."

How many times do we see, across all backgrounds, cultures, and religions, elderly parents who are waiting eagerly for their child to visit? For some, that visit only comes once a year. For others, perhaps twice. Alhamdulillah, the teachings of Islam encourage us to be in regular contact with our parents, looking forward to every opportunity to converse with them, because the happiness of our parents is the happiness of our Lord.

So we try our best to be strong, to give them our ear, and at the same time to be mindful of not causing them harm. The same people who shed tears for us when we were young; let us not become the cause of their tears now.

Earn Their Du'as

My dear respected brothers, in this blessed month of Ramadan, let us have this firmly in our minds: I will make an extra effort to be good to my parents. I will earn their du'as.

If we are struggling with our own du'as, if they feel like they are not being accepted, it may be that something is standing in the way. That barrier might well be our relationship with our parents. If we change our attitude towards them, insha'Allah we will see our du'as answered more quickly.

The Cycle of Life: We Are Ageing Too

At the same time, brothers, as our parents age, we should remember that we are ageing as well. Someone once told the story of a man who spent his whole life saying, "My father is wrong, my father is wrong." Then one day, later in life, the moment came when he finally realised, "Actually, my father was right all along. All those things he was telling me were true." But at that very same moment, his own child had started saying the exact same thing about him.

It is a cycle. Today we are the children at this age. Tomorrow we will be those parents, and we will have children of this age who see faults in us the way we see faults in our parents. The generation that comes after us, the younger ones, will also notice traits and habits in us, and they will say, "This generation is like this," just the way we talk about the generation before us.

This is the cycle that Allah SWT has placed in life. We will all pass through it. We too will develop traits and habits as we age.

Good Intentions, But Mind the Outcome

When our parents reach old age, we will naturally have good intentions. We will want to pass the right message to them, to look after them, to care for them. But sometimes, even with good intentions, the outcome can be different from what we hoped.

For example, when parents become ill, they often lose their appetite and stop eating. As children, we want them to eat because we know it will give them strength and energy. But they may refuse. The intention behind pushing them is good, but if we push too hard and become harsh about it, we end up causing a clash. We overstep the mark.

So we need to be mindful of outcomes, not just intentions. If one approach is not working, let us try another way, and then another, but without breaking the relationship and without becoming harsh. The outcome is what matters in the end.

And we should remember that as a person ages and reaches 50, 60, or 70, their tolerance level decreases. What they could handle emotionally 30 or 40 years ago is not what they can handle now. That has changed, and we need to adjust our approach accordingly. Insha'Allah, if we work on these things, we will see the differences.

For Those Whose Parents Have Passed Away

Everything above is for those whose parents are still alive. For those whose parents have passed away, may Allah SWT grant them Jannatul Firdaus, and may He grant us the ability to do such good deeds that our parents see the blessings of those deeds in their graves and are rewarded through them.

A man came to Rasul ﷺ and asked whether there was anything he could still do for his parents after their death. The Prophet ﷺ told him yes:

Hadith: Al-Adab Al-Mufrad 35

Abu Usayd said, "We were with the Messenger of Allah ﷺ when a man asked, 'Messenger of Allah, is there any act of dutifulness which I can do for my parents after their death?' He replied, 'Yes. There are four things: Supplication for them, asking forgiveness for them, fulfilling their pledges, and being generous to friends of theirs. You only have ties of kinship through your parents.'"

So the door of service does not close with death. We can still make du'a for them, seek forgiveness from Allah SWT on their behalf, and pass on the reward of our good deeds to them. Beyond that, we should maintain the relationships that only existed because of them: their friends, their extended family, the ties that were held together through our parents. If the father had friends, honour those friends. If the mother had friends, maintain those ties. Meet them, greet them, visit them. Don't let those connections disappear just because the parent is no longer here.

Rasulullah ﷺ also spoke on other occasions about how a person should honour the friends of their father specifically. And if our parents had any outstanding promises, commitments, or rights that were unfulfilled at the time of their passing, it falls to us to fulfil those on their behalf.

So how we benefit our parents after their passing is through our du'a, our istighfar, our good deeds, maintaining their ties, and fulfilling their commitments. This is ongoing birr (dutifulness) even after death.

There is more to share on this topic from the ahadith of Rasul ﷺ, and insha'Allah we will continue with it. We ask Allah SWT that He grants us the ability to be dutiful to our parents, and that in this blessed month where we are striving to connect to Allah SWT, we also work upon our relationships with our parents, our family members, and our friends. Ameen.

Du'as Mentioned in the Talk

1. Du'a for forgiveness of parents (istighfar) Seeking Allah SWT's forgiveness on behalf of our parents. This is one of the four deeds advised by Rasul ﷺ for those whose parents have passed away, and it benefits them in their graves.

2. Supplication (du'a) for parents Making general du'a for them, asking Allah SWT for good on their behalf. Also one of the four deeds advised by Rasul ﷺ for deceased parents, and equally important while they are alive.

3. Passing the reward of good deeds to parents Doing good a'mal and passing the reward to deceased parents, so that they see the blessings of our deeds in their graves and are rewarded through them.

Action Points

1. Reflect on your relationship with your parents. Use this month of Ramadan to honestly assess: what is my connection with my parents? Am I doing enough?
2. Be there to listen. When parents reach old age, sometimes all they want is someone to talk to. Give them your time and your ear, even if they repeat the same stories. It will make them happy.
3. Don't be the cause of their tears. These are the same people who shed tears for us when we were young. Let us not become the reason they cry now.
4. Earn their du'as. Make an extra effort to be good to them. If our own du'as feel like they are not being accepted, it may be that the relationship with our parents is a barrier. Fixing that could be the key to our du'as being answered.
5. Be mindful of the outcome, not just the intention. Good intentions are not enough if the delivery is harsh. For example, wanting an ill parent to eat is a good intention, but pushing too hard leads to a clash. If one approach is not working, try another way gently. Remember that as parents age, their emotional tolerance decreases.
6. Remember the cycle of life. Just as we notice our parents' habits and traits as they age, one day our children will notice ours. Be patient and empathetic, knowing you will be in their place.
7. For deceased parents: make du'a and seek forgiveness regularly. This is the most direct way to continue benefiting them after their passing.
8. For deceased parents: fulfil their outstanding commitments. If they had promises, debts, or pacts that remained unfulfilled, take it upon yourself to complete them.
9. For deceased parents: honour their friends and maintain their ties. Visit their friends, stay connected to their extended family, and don't let those relationships fade just because the parent is gone.
10. Do good deeds with the intention of benefiting your deceased parents. Your good a'mal can reach them in their graves; they are rewarded through the deeds that you do.